You may not know this about me but I’m a mom of twins. When I encountered them as tiny beings (I mean really tiny – about 5 lbs. each), I did not experience them as mine or even as babies. I just knew they needed me and I did my best to meet their needs. They lived with me but they were not my neighbors. Sometimes if a neighbor makes noise or disrupts your concentration, you can get annoyed or even be tempted to reprimand them somehow. I couldn’t fathom yelling at them or correcting them. All I was trying to do was take care of them, as tiny beings.
Interestingly, now I realize, it was my thoughts and emotions that bothered me most during those very challenging first months. I thought I needed to take care of them a certain way. I felt guilty when I did not do what I thought would be acceptable as a “good” mother. I held myself to some weird standard of a new mother of twins without experiencing or being around any other new mother of twins. So really, I was reprimanding myself. I was judging myself. The children would cry and I would get impatient with myself in meeting their needs. Fifteen years later, I finally understand that the impatience was not even from the lack of sleep. It was from the loud demands I was making of myself.
I am my own neighbor. I was my own neighbor. I have since developed a relationship with myself that is completely different and much more neighborly. There was much learning, growing, forgiving, motivating, and consistency involved. There was a need. I was so thirsty. There was a deep need for true love from myself and I’m so very glad I was able to find a path provided for me to develop and grow that more and more.
Because I’ve been practicing for a little over 10 years now, I can feel some clear sense of what I’ve learned over time. I am often reminded of what it was like to be a beginner and feel like there’s still much more to learn and experience, too. What is especially prompting this reflection today is that I’m studying the book, Bigger Self, Bigger Mind: Transform Capability Into Ability. I am able to read, reflect, and re-read for a deeper understanding based on the meaning behind the reading. In general, this is a higher order thinking skill for anyone. However, I’m noticing in addition, that memories of why I started my journey in wellness, healing, and meditation are coming back to me vividly from the reading’s content. Join me in the reflection, the hope, and the truth that the mirror in the book provides. Maybe, we can even compare notes. I look forward to it.
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