How many times do I need to re-learn the same lesson before I finally “get” it. So many times I was sure that it had finally clicked, just to fall over and repeat the same mistake again.
The lesson I’ve struggled with as it relates to my tendencies of perfectionism – is that the only way for me to move forward and accumulate real understanding is to first flush my information by putting it out or just letting it go. It does not matter even what the form the “putting it out” takes. I end up holding onto ideas, and concepts and memories, feeling like they need an outlet – but until it’s released it just leaves me stuck with the unresolved hanging threads that remain to occupy and consume my mind, blocking me from a natural flow.
This is a matter of timely learning. If I see life itself as my teacher, to incorporate the lessons I am learning, there needs to be processing and flow of those ideas and truths (and energy) into something else, whatever form that takes. I’m writing this blog now to try to express and output an understanding that I’ve arrived at after many years of struggle. But only after I release it in this form can I actually move on to the next attempt and next lesson and next iteration. So action is needed but still I tend to hold on to things for too long, until they are overripened or overcooked. At which point it just becomes a soggy mush.
As a antidote to this tendency I am learning to embrace the perspective of a practicing student— that it’s okay that I don’t know everything now or am able to do everything perfectly. It’s much more important to stay committed and consistent with the actual practice so I can accumulate enough familiarity with the lesson until hopefully it finally sticks. And accepting all the embarrassments and failures along the way with humility and grit will allow me to grow that much faster. There is a lightness that comes from remembering that I don’t need to have it all figured out. I am practicing, learning through the doing, and trusting that understanding will come in its own time.
So I again fully surrender to the flow, allowing actions to take shape without my preconceived judgments or expectations. Reflection, and analysis will still have it’s time, but they come separately after the doing. In the act of doing, I aim to simply be open and present with the practice. As my teacher keeps reminding me – Do it now, and judge later.
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